Also, I know I did twelve and not the customary ten, but there’s no way I can possibly take any of these off. It was hard enough narrowing it down this far. I’ve included the approximate year I first heard the poem and my favorite line from each piece, but these are coming straight from memory – so don’t quote me on them.

12. “Listen Asshole” – Yellow Rage (2000)
It feels like a lifetime ago. When I first moved to DC right after college, I knew close to nobody – and I had no aspirations to take on spoken word as anything more than just something I did at bars every now and then, since I lived right off Black Broadway and there was no shortage of open mics a couple blocks from my apartment. But pretty soon I found myself part of a duo called re: verse, and we were one of three main API spoken word groups out that way. The other two were Feedback (who I’ll talk about later) from New York and Yellow Rage from Philly.

I don’t really know how we all connected, but folks from all three cities met up in 215 to do a little East Coast retreat and this was the first time I hear them do this ridiculous piece. It was like, yo, who’s gonna stop us now?

Favorite Line: I’m gonna fight with alla my might against motherfuckers who think I’m a white…girl. Watch my finger unfurrrrl…”

11. “Remembrance” – Taiyo Na (2000)
On to the aforementioned Feedback Poets. Taiyo was the baby of the bunch – so I was shocked when I saw this like 17 year old kid spit this amazing piece at the Asian American Writer’s Workshop open mic called (re)collection. It was the most succinct and touching rendition of a Japanese American history and future through its literature and music, done in a way that I guess I haven’t seen anyone else even attempt. Mas Yamagata backed him up on the bass.

Favorite Line: This ain’t just some Biz Mark shit; these lips are rocking a lost taiko

10. “The Last Words of a Roach, Underfoot” – El Guante (2009)
Dark Horse entry here. Everyone else on this list is someone I probably first met like – well – a long time ago. But I didn’t have the pleasure of sharing a stage with El Guante until this past year, and I have to say man I was astounded. This piece from the point of view of a cockroach made me feel like I should be writing a lot more.

In the hands of a lesser writer, this concept could have been corny. But he went in on it; honestly, it’s transcendent.

Favorite Line: You say…that life can be something greater than survival, but what could be greater than survival?

9. “Naming & Other Christian Things” – Roger Bonair-Agard (2003)
Roger probably does not know this, but he was the first established poet to actually pay money for my CD. I gladly accepted because ten dollars is ten dollars yo. But I didn’t know that a few years later when he’d be closing out the annual “Voice for the Voiceless” concert, he would unleash this monster of a poem that is about everything more than it is about anything. It was a relentless plea for self that resounded with everyone.

Favorite Line: I cannot summon the sympathy for Mary Magdalene, cannot help her weep tears of distress. Only wish I could retro activate a name change for her.

8. “Sometimes Silence is the Loudest Kind of Noise” – Bassey Ikpi (2000)
The first night I met Bassey in New York, it was a night to remember for many reasons. But the thing about B was that we both wrote from the same place; to me, it didn’t matter her subject matter because every poem she wrote felt like it came from inside of me. She wasn’t just sharing pieces of her soul, but she was identifying pieces of mine.

This piece was around the time when I was clumsily trying to disengage with rhyme schemes in a way that felt natural, and was only marginally successful. Bassey had this piece that all that in a way that was emotional but not burdensome, pleasant but not trite, familiar but not cliche. ANd she lands the piece perfectly in my soft spot.

Favorite Line: Like if you get lost, just stand there until someone finds you, and someone will always look for you, and someone will always miss you.

7. “Chasing Bruce Lee” – Beau Sia (2001)
Someone told me before I saw him do this: “Beau has a new piece about Bruce Lee” and so, I guess I expected some biographical poem with a complete filmography or something, I dunno. So, when he did it, I was so touched – the feeling so familiar. You know, Bruce Lee is the idealized Asian (American) male by many of us, so by definition there was plenty of admiration to go around.

But Beau cut through that to carve a new definition of himself in that frame. Bruce Lee was all that he was and more, but also less. Those of us who are lucky to stick around will have many more chances than he did to redefine ourselves in concert or in opposition to what the world sees us as. That’s life he’s talking about here.

Favorite Line: I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stamp ‘SELF’ on everything in my world.

6. “Acid Trip Tango” – Malaya Arevalo (2000)
There’s no heartbreak poem that breaks a heart as much as this does. Mad hard to find words for this one.

Favorite Line: So close to New Jersey skyscrapers that if I don’t watch my aim, I might just break a window. So close to you that if I don’t watch my hands, I might just break my heart.

5. “Real Karaoke People” – Ed Bok Lee (2002)
Bao had told me about this poem before I saw it, but didn’t tell me the concept or the form. Just that it was one of the five best spoken word pieces he had ever seen in his life. So when Ed showed up once for the open mic before I featured in New York, I was kinda ready for it.

But then I found out I was not at all ready for it. Just talking about karaoke can almsot be a punchline to mainstream America – so why are our families so into it? Ed explores teh delicate beauty of an immigrant singing a song written and originally sung by other people, for other people, ina a place not their home or birthplace, in a language that is their second or third, at a time of night the would normally be sleeping – or working. Is there meaning in that?

How could there not be?

Favorite Line: Real karaoke people know past 4AM, English can be only half a home.

4. “By-Standing: The Beginning of an American Lifetime” – Kelly Zen-Yie Tsai (2009)
I think Kelly had this out on the Youtubes for a while now. But I’ll admit upfront I don’t watch the Youtubes for poetry; I might seek out sports highlights or clips of pandas doing panda things and occasionally a tutorial of how to fix a leaky toilet and such. But I’m not really a Youtubes guy.

So I didn’t actually see this piece until 2009 ECAASU at Rutgers in New Jersey. And even then, it was her produced video version of it that was screening, and not Kelly performing it live – but I still got to give it run on this list for two reasons: 1. This piece was part of Kelly’s performance even if it was pre-recorded; and 2. It’s fukcing amazing. Told in vignettes, the poem laces itself through every fold in your mind until the end, where she lands the piece by pulling it closed. Even thinking back to it as I type, I can feel it’s getting hard to breathe.

Favorite Line: No war.

3. “In Front of the Class” – Bonafide Rojas (2003)
I admit I was a little drunk when I first saw Bonafide do this, but that wasn’t the reason it brought tears to my eyes. many spoken word poets teach, right, you all have seen it. Not everybody is great at it, not everybody likes it, but still most of us do it.

I honestly have never seen Bone teach, so I don’t know how he does, but I have known dude for a decade and I can attest to the fact that there’s nobody I’ve ever met who needs to write poetry as much as he does. And in this piece he lays it all out there. Just phenomenal.

Favorite Line: I want to live. I want to love.

2. “Signs of God” – Ishle Yi Park (2004)
I very distinctly remember the first time I saw Ishle do this piece: it was at Vassar College, and me and Ed Bok Lee and her were doing a little show for like students who were there for a summer session or something. Whatever the reason, Ed, Ishle, and myself were in Poughkeepsie doing a show in the summer. And when Ishle read this piece, I was taken away, I felt like I couldn’t love a poem as much as I loved this one. I think I told her that too.

Then after she released her CD that year or maybe the following, this peice was on it. But this time it had this beautiful Spanish guitar underneath that accentuated the beauty in the accidental, the order of chaos, the idea that there are always more reasons for hope than there are reasons against. Damn.

Favorite Line: I want a chorus of loved ones; I want someone to hold my hand.

1. “Quincy Nguyen” – Bao Phi (2007)
It’s weird that I could work Prince into a list about spoken word isn’t it? But this piece from the homey Bao is just perfect to me. His character uses the music of Prince to convince himself he’s beautiful despite all the evidence to the contrary. And I guess when it comes down to it, it just reminds me of me.

Favorite Line: Prince gave him the power: secret of survival for small boys odd when young yet destined for futuresexy.

By the way, i’m not including like theater or sporting events or dance shows and the like. You know what I’m saying? This is for “concert” or things that are basically like concerts.

10. Koba, 2006
East Meets Words, Cambridge, MA
If I remember correctly, Koba was the first rapper to do a feature set at this open mic series. And it was crazy because he actually rocked it! A bookstore!

More than that, it made me feel like – wait, we can do anything we want here?

9. Brown Star, 2009
East Meets Words, Cambridge, MA
What I like about these brothers is that they don’t come from a slam-influenced world – they both come from theater. Thus, they are not bound by the same theoretical limits many of us (I mean folks roughly my age I guess) impose on ourselves by accident. They had pieces that went like 10 or 15 minutes long, but the great thing about that was it never felt stagnant. No matter how long the pieces were, they were always moving, nothing was accidental or unplanned – it was all paced out perfectly.

Even more, I love seeing performers I haven’t seen before do amazing work. It makes me feel like spoken word is not dying.

8. Beau Sia, 2007
Boston University, Boston, MA
Beau is pretty much always great, but on this evening at BU he was more sharp than I had ever seen him. There was some college student performers that night who were at various levels of proficiency when it came to writing, but Beau took that all in and spit it back out with fire. He’s like a monster that swallows mediocre poetry and returns it as amazing isht.

7. Ishle Yi Park, 2007
East Meets Words, Cambridge, MA
I have seen Ishle turn in her fair share of amazing performances, but I wasn’t fully prepared for what she was bringing that night. I was the host for that evening, and it vaguely reminded me of a feature I did in New York at 13 in like 2001 when she was the host. The amount of living and growing in those intervening years we both had done made it seem like we were completely different people, and I was so touched by her presence, that she was actively moving forward in a way I think I had forgotten how to do.

6. Bao Phi, 2009
Amherst College, Amherst, MA
I’ve known Bao for like 8 or 9 or 10 years and it’s weird that during that time, the following has happened ahow many times: we’re doing a show together, and Bao sheepishly tells the crowd he’s gonna try a new piece that he doesn’t know how he feels about. He might say there are some things he needs to edit, but that he wanted to try it out in front of the crowd. Then he proceeds to unleash the most amazing soul-breaking pulse-stopping piece I’ve heard in a year. What is up with that Bao?

So I choose 2009 as the year this happened, with his “Fuck this War” poem. But it’s happened in the past with “Quincy Nguyen” and “Bread and Glass” and “Race” and “Yellow/Brown Babies for the Revolution” and probably 5 others. Bao Phi is unfuckwitable. Please believe that.

5. I Was Born with Two Tongues, 2003
Hothouse, Chicago, IL
Last Tongues show of all time/first Tongues show of my life. I coulda watched two more hours of this show, but the venue had booked another act afterward, and you know, things are what they are.

4. The Roots, 2000
930 Club, Washington, DC
My first summer after college I was living in DC. The Internet was pretty new (to me) at that time, and so I had bee jumping on spitkicker.com all the time, and saw The Roots were about to swing through my new hometown. When people say you have to see them live to appreciate them, that is no joke. A fight broke out in the front row, and ?uest was leaning out from behind the drumkit to take a look and didn’t lose the beat once. This was also the night I first learned that Black Thought is like a monster whose sole purpose is to rhyme the hell out of a mic until nobody can ever use it again. Those guys are pros.

3. De La Soul, 2005
Paradise Rock Club, Boston, MA
Theresa paid for my ticket as a gift, I think since she had grown up in New York, she had gotten to see De La before, so I was lucky to be able to catch them. Even though those dudes were a lot closer to 40 than 20 at the time, they still knew how to rock it.

The one awkward moment was that a bookish girl standing next to me was dancing the whole night, but her dancing looked kinda like running in place. I think she had fun though. That’s the thing about De La – their fans even include nerds like me and bookish girls who run in place.

2. Kiwi, 2008
Pomona College, CA
Me and Kiwi and Bao set ourselves up as a bill in 2008 – trying to get schools to hire three seasoned API performers who wanted to perform together. The trouble was, almost every show there was some issue with sound or venue that made it near impossible for Kiwi to put on a perfect set. It’s easier for Bao & me because we’re just poets, but a rapper needs the right confluence of factors, and the right attitude and mindset on the part of organizers to make for a set that they’ll be happy with.

I’ve seen the homie struggle thru wack mics and bad sound techs, but this was the night it was all there. At Pomona College, the lighting was beautiful and the sound was amazing. Combine that with an enthusiastic crowd, and Kiwi’s set was effing MAGIC. This is what it means when an emcee needs just one mic to rock a crowd. I have never seen another performer truly connect with a crowd like Kiwizzo did that night…

1. Prince, 2004
TD Banknorth Garden, Boston, MA
…except once.

Is it possible that Prince is not a real person, but actually a figment of my magnificent imagination? Is it possible a human being could be this phenomenally talented?

By the way, I don’t watch much TV except sports, so…uh…take that for what it’s worth.

7. Cog
Honda, 2003

What??

6. Pony
Ally Bank, 2009
This brown-haired girl gives awesome facial expressions – at :03 when she is overjoyed at getting a toy pony, and even more delicious is the glare as she cocks her head to side to let him know he needs to stop messing around.

5.There Can Only Be One
NBA, 2008
I thought the split screen commercials were kind of annoying throughout the playoffs that year, but I didn’t know they were leading up to this one. It almost makes me want to cry. It even makes me kinda like Kobe.

4. Touch
Skittles, 2007
Hilariously depressing. The soliloquy is kinda overwrought and played-out before it begins, but dude’s anguish really makes this joint.

3. I Remember
NBA, 2007
I think this was a Boston only commercial, but they played it throughout the season when the Celtics won the title. It’s a little false because we had been hearing KG rumors for a while, so nobody was struck with this kind of surprise. The elation, however. is about spot-on.

2. Big Buddy
SportsCenter, 2003?
Not sure of the year, it feels like it was a long time ago. But I think a lot of SportsCenter commercials have been hilarious, but this one took what could have been a one-note punchline and took it deeper than you could have possibly imagined.

1. Move
Nike , 2002
This is not about sport as spectator but sport as life.

Nike is fairly evil – even for a multi-national corporation – but regardless, this commercial makes you forget all of that for its duration.

9. Sam’s Town, The Killers (2006)
After I heard “When You Were Young” while playing Rock Band on the XBOX, I was really impressed with the songwriting, so I downloaded the Killers album, not knowing what their music sounded like. But the album was like whooosh! Maybe it’s because I actively avoided radio rock music since I accidentally heard Nickelback and was traumatized. The weird thing was, I read a lot of stuff online about how Sam’s Town was a big letdown after their first album, but for my money, this is the album that defines their sound. Their musical execution in the studio is phenomenal, the guitar solos are lyrical, and the songwriting from beginning to end is as poetic as can be. (I’m of the opinion that rock songs tend to have the worst lyrics of any genre.)

Anyway, I know I’m a nerd. So what.

8. Greatest Hits, Foundation Movement (2006)
I used to see these brothers like every other week, but I guess it’s normal that as you get older and stuff, you tend to lose touch with folks here and there. Regardless, there’s no way I could forget to put one of the finest hip hop acts to ever come out of Boston on my decade-end list. Speaking of Boston hip hop, Edo G guested on “Movement” with an inspired verse that makes me nostalgic even now three years later – and he’s just one of several high-profile collaborators on here. I think the fact that world famous cats were itching to jump on a track with FM reminds us that sometimes the best stuff in the world is being made right next door. Don’t stop checking for it.

7. Supreme Clientele, Ghostface Killah (2000)
This was released almost exactly ten years ago, but it still looms large in my memory. I think Ghost kinda defined the split that was gonna play itself out in hip hop music over the next several. The first song on the disc – the bugged out “Nutmeg” – was the first I can remember to force a listener to understand its concept primarily from elements other than its lyrics. Ghost had always done a little roundabout stuff in his songs, but it was consistent throughout this entire album, and he went on the show it would be consistent for the rest of his career, pitting him in sharp contrast to rappers like Plies or MIMS or the Ying Yang Twinz who made songs that had no real meaning at all.

Something about Ghost’s raps on this album reminds me of ziti.

6. Blue Scholars, Blue Scholars (2004)
I first met Geologic in like 2000 or so, when he wasn’t yet a world-famous rapper. We were both doing a little writing workshop with the homie Jojo Gaon working in a high school in Seattle. Afterward, the cats brought me to see Bruce Lee’s grave, and I think we probably ate pho somewhere. Anyway, I had no idea he was also honing his craft as an emcee, and would deliver some of the most meaningful and memorable verses of the new millennium in the space of a few years.

Sometimes the 1 MC + 1 DJ formula works out perfectly – and Sabzi and Geo might be the most perfectly-matched pair since Pete Rock and CL Smooth.

5. Exact Change, Bambu (2008)
I guess there is such a thing as a flawless album. Bam does everything right on this. Each flow is perfectly matched to each beat, and each concept is straight from the heart. This release started to really push dude into the limelight, and he deserves it as much as anyone. Keep watching…

4. The Black Album, Jay-Z (2003)
I was a Jay fan in the mid-90s, then got kinda tired of him in the late-90s. After I had stopped paying attention, he slowly took over the world and became, you know, what he is. By the time The Black Album came out, it was impossible to not be paying attention. I know many folks are kinda whatever about him, but I was so impressed with how versatile his flow had become since I last cared. Some of the beats were a little over the top, but I don’t think anyone had ever made such an aggressive grab at the “Greatest Rapper Alive” trophy for all the world to see. Gutsy.

3. Writes of Passage: Portraits of a Son Rising, Kiwi (2003)
I first heard this album from the homie Tony Nguyen (aka Papa T aka DJ T. Oh-no!) and I’m trying to think back if I’ve ever heard a song that affected me so strongly and immediately as “Imagine” did. But more than that, the album has a consistent voice throughout, like he’e really talking to you the whole way. At this time, I had yet to meet the brother, so when finally we did link up, I swear I felt I knew him.

There’s been a lot of dope independent hip hop from API artists – shoot, just check out this list – but in my mind, this will always be the standard.

2. Kamaal/The Abstract, Q-Tip (2009, but originally leaked in 2001)
I had no idea – no idea – that Tip was capable of doing anything like this when I first heard it. I admit that I always kinda thought he was overrated and that Phife was underrated when it came to Tribe – but I didn’t know that he was actually the musical mastermind behind all their work – and so if I had any clue, I wouldn’t have been so surprised by this joint. Anyway, the point is, this album was way ahead of its time and was way farther outside the box than The Love Below from Andre 3000, which got all the mainstream attention as the most creative hip hop album in years. Gotta respect the brother’s artistry.

Sadly, its official release was delayed until 2009 (see: Record Industry Rule #4080), and I wonder if it had come out on schedule, how much more dope and hoenstly experimental music would be right now.

1. Be, Common (2005)
There is one major drawback on this album: Kanye’s voice. I wish someone would go through this album and edit him out Jar Jar Binks style.

Despite that, I probably listened to this CD more than any other in the last ten years because the lyrics and grooves are so on point. Of course, I was a Common fan from the beginning, and most impressive about Be was that he grew up in front of our eyes from album to album. here’s no way the Common of Can I Borrow a Dollar? could have made this masterpiece – but there’s no way he could have gotten to that level if he hadn’t started where he did.

That’s the lesson. Just because we present ourselves to the world at one stage in our life, doesn’t mean we stay in that stage forever. The world still turns.

OK, my top ten movies of the Zeroes.

10. Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)
My wife and I thought this was a kids movie when we snuck in. I guess we are idiots because it is not at all apprpriate for children. But it is an amazing flick. Taking place after the Spanish Civil War, a girl escapes her fascist – in multiple ways – stepfather by imagining (?) a fantasy world in which she is actually a long lost princess who will eventually be reunited with her parents – king and queen of the underworld.

All children create alternate realities to some extent, and dwell in them for various amounts of time, depending on how emotionally healthy they are. This film is heartbreaking because Ofelia is forced to live most of her day in her fantasy world because the reality of her life is so rough. Her stepfather eventually kills her before he’s assassinated by rebels in bittersweet justice. And of course, the special effects are crazy ass.

9. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
After seeing this flick, I went to the bookstore to read the short story it’s based on and was shocked to finish it in about 15 minutes. To actually read the source material makes it all the more impressive that such well developed characters and such an emotionally-affecting story was built off a short story of about 30 pages. But most of all, the movie is made by Jake Gyllenhall and Heath Ledger’s performances. I don’t think I’ve ever seen two characters in an American movie more convincingly in love.

8. My Sassy Girl (2001)
My favorite thing about this movie is that it is based on a true story. I know, right?

Of course Ji-hyun Jun (aka Gianna Jun?) is the undisputed star, but I feel Tae-hyun Cha actually holds his own. If you haven’t seen it, don’t watch it without your ride-or-die, because even though the premise – silly dude meets drunk girl on subway, she subsequently ruins his life as they fall in love – sounds kinda throwaway, it really helps remind a viewer what it means to be in love. Korean movies have a weird penchant for being mad deep even when they don’t seem it; it’s the han.

7. Synecdoche, New York (2008)
I don’t know if I’ll ever see another movie that does this to me. I can’t say I liked it in the traditional sense of liking stuff, but I loved how sad it made me. Does that sounds weird?

6. Oldboy (2003)
If ever there was a movie for aspiring Buddhists, this is the one – forget that Brad Pitt joint. Every single character is proof that life is suffering, and that the only way to achieve enlightenment is to accept that fact. The dude who played the lead character – Min-sik Choi – probably gives one of the 5 greatest performances in the history of film. Yeah, I said it. You wanna fight about it? Speaking of fight, the fight scenes lack anything resembling excitement or adrenaline, they are all sloggingly disastrous. The whole thing is a collection of sadness and hurt…just like life I guess.

Most depressing movie evar! (It’s that han yo.)

5. Shaolin Soccer (2001)
I have been a Stephen Chow fan since like the 80s. And he always did creative isht in his movies, and he always blended genres, and he always knew how to make a moderately funny line hilarious by inflection. But with this movie he took a huge leap from talented trickster to genre-defining auteur. There’s no going back bro.

4. Dave Chappelle’s Block Party (2005)
The feeling I got from this movie was as genuine as the feeling I got after the best performances of my career. It’s just pure love and admiration between everyone who particiapted in making it happen, and watching it in the movie felt like being there.

It also has one of my favorite lines from any movie ever. When Michel gondry asks Jill Scott if she’s intimidated to go on after Erykah Badu, and Jill smirks and the camera and asks “…have you seen me perform?”

3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
DAMN. Love means mothing if you never understand what life is like without it.

2. In the Mood for Love (2001)
Two of the greatest movie actors of the past 30 years – Tony Leung and Maggie Cheung – are basically the only characters. Their spouses are having an affair, and so they use each other for emotional support – and never anything more than that. It helps us understand that there is no universal blueprint for love.

Sometimes you just want someone to need you.

1. Infernal Affairs (2002)
The American version – “The Departed” – is just about good vs evil and that’s pretty much it. But this movie – and its sequels – are based on the idea that those two don’t exist in polarity, that life is constant struggle to balance good and evil, and that there is no state of being truly one or the other.

Moreover, Tony Leung (once again) and Andy Lau give maybe the best performances of their careers – and that’s saying a lot for both of them. And the main supporting roles – Anthony Wong and Eric Tsang – are filled by amazing Hong Kong character actors.

The scene where Anthony Wong dies – the look on Tony Leung’s face…DAMN. Just. Damn.

Anyway, December usually comes and goes without me really really thinking of it as the end of the year. But since it is, over the next few days I’m gonna throw you some of my favorites from the past 12. Feel free to disagree

Song of the Year: “Exhibit C” by Jay Electronica

I’ll admit, I didn’t even realize Just Blaze could make a beat like this. I just thought he was a goofy dude who had a good ear for samples. Combine his sense of humor, his seemingly obsessive-compulsive nature, and his musical training as a drummer – I figured, no wonder his beats come out so hot. But I swear I didn’t realize he could make beats that could make you cry and isht. It’s like Just making a Dilla joint. Amazing. (I could live without him screaming on it though…)

But as great as the music is – it’s the verses that make the song. Good Lord, it’s just abstract enough to appeal to hip hop nerds, but just gutter enough to appeal to, uhh, other hip hop nerds. He makes references to MF Doom lyrics, Public Enemy lyrics, Run-DMC lyrics, and even Temptations lyrics. He checks 5 Percenter philosophy, streets in his native New Orleans, in Philly, in Detroit, baller rappers like Nas, Diddy, and Q-Tip, plus Nikola Tesla, and then implies he’s more real than any of the world’s religions. And he does this all in two verses without ever boring you or making you feel like he’s trying to make you think he’s smart.

The crazy thing to me is, when I first started hearing Jay Elec joints on the Internets, I was always like “what’s the big deal? This guy rhymes in robot slang.” I didn’t really see what appealed to people about him, but I get it now.

Damn I get it.

Favorite line: its quite amazing that you rhyme how you do/ and how you shine like you grew up in a shrine in Peru

I explain in my “review” – I’m not very qualified to review books, but whatever – a little why the title appealed to me so much, but to go a little deeper with it…

When I was younger, I think I put a lot of weight into that magical phrase. Why? I think because you’re expected to, here in America. But I never really felt it, I think I only thought I felt it.

In one way, I really love almost nobody. I can count on two hands the number of people who have ever lived I truly love or loved. That would be the members of my immediate family, some members of extended family, and my wife. I certainly care for and wish the best for many other people, but I can’t say with confidence that I love or ever loved those others.

In another way, I feel like I love almost everybody in the world – even, nah, especially the people I’ve never met. I have a sincere hope that all people in the world experience endless joy in healthy ways, and are able to avoid feeling sadness and anger and hate as much as possible. That’s a simplistic way to say my ideal world has no war and no exploitation or people, resources, and surroundings. My ideal world is the world where everyone has enough of what they need.

But I honestly recoil when people tell me they love me. Not because I’m mad at the emotion of love – but because saying the words “I love you” is shorthand. It’s played out. It’s both teams played hard. It has no meaning in real life. Relationships don’t get built on explicitly spoken pledges, no, it’s the opposite.

Anyway, this was the topic of a pretty well put-together blog post over at Stuff White People Do a while back. At the time, I left the following comment:

i am annoyed by the need for people to hear that they are loved from people close to them. this also – for whatever reason – sounds like a white thing to me.

the only person who i don’t mind hearing it from is my mother. i don’t even care to hear it from my wife, as i shouldn’t need her verbal confirmation for what’s already obvious. and then i actively dislike hearing it from other family members or friends – it makes me feel less close to person who says it.

in any language, we’ve loaded too much power into certain words, and “love” may be the worst of them. people say things like “i love to eat cheese!” or “i love star trek!” that it no longer means what we pretend it means – yet we still pretend it means love.

the actual concept of “love” is far too complex and large to be encapsulated or represented by any word or combination of words. so for me, using the phrase “i love you” is like showing a cell phone photo of the grand canyon or niagara falls to you…

i don’t, however, make judgment against people who freely use the phrase with each other – that means they’re into expressing themselves the same way. but i resent the phrase being thrust into my life by people who i don’t want to hear it from. it sounds cheap to me.

I feel I might have come across more harsh than I meant to there, but the gist is correct. I’m not big into the use of the word “love” because words can’t mean more than what they mean, and loving someone in real life is different from simply telling them so.

By the way, this is the point of poetry, where we try to get words to mean more than they mean.

Anyway, read the review at BPRLive, read the book, and holla back.

Superbad
I had thought this looked good when it first came out. You know how it can be for bro-mance films. Anyway, I never saw it because I was scared it would be racist. It’s weird, a lot of movies I want to see, I end up avoiding because I’m scared it’s going to be racist and make me really mad. This had all the makings of subtle racism: the nearly all-white cast, the juvenile humor, and the subpar acting. Lo and behold, I don’t remember there being anything very offensive. Hooray for you Superbad! Weird that all a Hollywood production needs to do for some kudos is to not be too racist.

Regardless, only one scene was laugh out loud funny to me – when dude is in the room and those older bros come in doing lines, then notice him in there. And they think he’s another guy who’s a really good singer, so Michael Cera starts singing. I fell out over how into it the other dudes got.

What you were expecting some film theory or something?

Pineapple Express
Surprise surprise kids, I don’t get high. So I was skeptical going into this movie because I was concerned it was going to be only jokes that are funny to stoned people. Un/Fortunately, I was wrong. The jokes were not funny to any people. The one character I thought was really good was the Danny Mcbride character Red. I liked how he used the phrase “bros before hoes” twice in the same movie, and both times it was totally wrong for the context.

I wish they had kind of gotten a little deeper into the fact that they constantly referred to the rival gang as “The Asians.” Only once did a character go, “what kind of Asian?” Like, so they were Korean, but for a movie that actually cast a bunch of Koreans to play Koreans, they may as well have acknowledged that they had done something right.

The Nine Lives of Marion Barry
Marion Barry has been a polarizing figure during my lifetime, but more recently, he’s been treated like a punchline. Here’s the truth: he was a community organizer from the streets, who rode the support of regular people in DC to the mayor’s office because he wanted the poor and underrepresented to have a say in their own city’s governance. The fact he’s been down so many times and continues to get up, is an inspiration for the people of DC.

But he’s a story because, as my friend Neel says, “he’s a really intelligent man with a ridiculous amount of character flaws.”

This documentary was great to me, but probably because I’m sympathetic to Barry’s plight. For those who hate him, this is probably not the movie for them.

Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist
A little too precious and a little self-consciously hip, but overall I enjoyed it. Norah’s friend character was grating, but served her purpose for the plot. Aside from her, and the title characters, and possibly Nick’s two homies, the other characters were very poorly developed, and were pretty obviously there to be a part of Nick & Norah’s story. That’s kind of annoying if you allow it to be, but I chose not to.

But I’m kinda wondering when Michael Cera is gonna jump the shark.

X-Men
I saw X-Men 3 – totally awful – but never saw the first one until recently. I guess it was OK.

Definitely, Maybe
So does Ryan Reynolds act or simply exist? He is a delivery vehicle for the story and superior performances in this film, kind of like cupcakes for frosting.

Isla Fisher owns this movie. I’ve seen her in other flicks, but I didn’t know she was this good. I am now motivated to see every movie she’s done.

I am not averse to date movies or so-called chick flicks. This – even with Reynolds kind of moping his way through the whole thing – is pretty fun front to end. There are some inconsistencies in plot details but oh well, that was a small price to pay for the happy ending.

Marley & Me
Terrible writing and even worse acting; even, and I don’t feel good about saying this, the child actors were awful. Aren’t there talented child actors? Did they cost too much? I tried to appreciate it just for the dog doing cute and/or funny things, but there’s isn’t even much of that in here. One of the few bright spots was Alan Arkin being awesome as usual. He can make any movie better; he, unfortunately, could not raise this movie beyond “irritating.”

Taken
Again with the casting here – why not find a talented teenager to play the 17 year-old daughter? Why a 25 year-old woman? Most adult actors playing teenagers just act like idiots; it comes across as inauthentic. I also think they blew too much money on Liam Neeson. He was great, but it seems like they had no money left over for special effects, any other good actors, or even a semi-famous singer to play the famous singer. It would have helped the story tremendously if it had been like Mandy Moore or even Kelly Clarkson his daughter was excited about instead of some invented pop star.

Liam Neeson’s character is badass though!

I’m Gonna Git U Sucka
I used to have this joint on VHS, which I recorded off like USA when I was 11. But of course it got thrown out with the trash some time ago, so I haven’t seen it in a while. That shit is as funny as I remembered, and I actually caught a few more jokes this time than when I was a kid. Best Wayans movie ever. Actually, I had forgotten about this movie; it’s gotta be a top 10 comedy for me.

The Invasion
Not really feeling this movie, because the virus wasn’t scary. There was something there behind the idea – but they didn’t take it anywhere special. The concept is that people are being infected with this alien virus that connects them all and mentally/emotionally makes all of the infected tied into a larger group consciousness. In a world where everyone is infected, theoretically there would be no violence – no war, no rape, no crime – because all people are one. The problem is that some people are immune to the virus – so those people have to be killed since they can’t get down with the rest of the infected.

So it could have been interesting if there had been more internal struggle of Nicole Kidman trying to save her immune son. Instead, it was just an action movie with less-than-stellar action. To top it all off, all the infected were cured at the end of the movie with no memory of what happened to them. What the hell was the point then?

I don’t think I’ll have Internets access, and even if I do, I doubt I’ll be using it much. So I’m leaving you with a couple joints that I can’t get enough of right now. (BTW, when I fall in love with a particular song, it’s usually already a couple years old…)

Wu Ooh – Rae, Ghost, and Meth with that old Wu chemistry. The beat is bananas. If this is what Cuban Linx 2 sounds like, then I’m already there.

Mr. Brightside – I was a latecomer to the Killers, but I think Brandon Flowers is the best American pop song writer in 10 years. their execution can sometimes be transcendent and sometimes super sloppy. But the songwriting is always top-notch.

Mother of All Funk Chords – I know this was hot a few months ago, but every few weeks I remember how dope it was and I go find it again. MAN, it’s so fun! I feel like I could watch/listen to this for hours at a time.

Everything off Stars & Stripes – I am not necessarily a big fan of mash-ups – but when they’re done out of love, then you can tell – and Adrian Champion def has respect for all the source material here.

And of course: Travellin Man by Mos and Honda. I can always relate to this joint, but now that all that time away from home has paid off in a vacation, I’m all about it!

the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford
this movie is phenomenal. it starts really slow, but by the end of the like 9 hours, i was so engrossed. brad pitt is AWESOME in this movie, but maybe more impressive – casey affleck carries this flick. it’s kinda shocking that this is a true story. i feel like pitt as james cast a shadow throughout, like hannibal lecter in silence of the lambs, don corleone in the godfather, or al capone in the untouchables.

three scenes stand out as flawless to me: the assassination scene could not have been better, the scene where jesse beats up that little kid, and the scene where robert ford is drunk listening to a guy sing a song about him, and he shoots his gun at the floor and goes, “i’m robert ford.” DAMN. american filmmaking at its finest.

wheels on meals
i saw this when i was in high school on VHS, and revisited it again while looking for the greatest movie fight scene of all time. (i know, my hobbies pwn your hobbies.) greatest fight scene of all time? definitely one of – the tranformation jackie goes thru to be able to win that fight is slick. actually this is a good jackie chan movie for people who don’t like jackie chan. it’s yuen biao’s show tho – he does the lovestruck thing really well, and is actually the goofy guy here and jackie gets to be the harder more asshole-like dude. i also like most things that sammo hung has directed.

the lookout
it’s good and joseph gordon-levitt was actually very good in this – the three male leads are all perfect for their roles. but one thing bothered me, and it’s pretty important. did isla fisher’s character know or not know the plan? because she seems to know until halfway through, then she seems not to have known. what happened?

“am i dead? i must be dead. nobody’s answering me.”
“you’re not dead.”
“oh thank god.”

school of rock
never saw this movie before. it was good, but i wish it rocked a little harder.

ghajini
i have not seen a hindi movie all the way through in more than 10 years. but this one – which actually is a remake of a tamil movie – was so highly recommended that i watched it. so aamir khan is obviously very worked out for this movie, and it was kinda ridiculous during scenes when he was like wearing a suit with no sleeves to show off his triceps.

but i really liked the flick, and as with all the bollywood films, the lead actress is gorgeous. after we saw this, my wife & i checked ou aamir khan’s website and the guestbook has so many very asian comments like “ghajini is good, boring at parts though” and “you’re not my favorite actor but you are ok” and “i think you should have done a better job choosing your roles. you could be a bigger star now.” damn folks! give a dude a break!

my friend sham pointed me to this page, where you can buy an aamir khan in ghajini action figure. i love how they show it from different angles as though that will affect your decision to buy it.

cj7
stephen chow’s most recent movie. he’s always been an excellent filmmaker, back to like the early 90s or the 80s. but after kung fu hustle and shaolin soccer, he had to come with something more family friendly. so it doesn’t thrill on the level like previous films have, but it’s good nonetheless.

the child actor who plays his son is dope. but crazier still, it is a girl. she is an extremely talented comic actor. one subtle scene i loved is when the son misbehaves, so the father looks for something to beat him with, so while he’s scolding him, he picks up like a piece of wood and a wrench or something, and finally just takes some newspaper and rolls it up because he doesn’t want to hurt him. they don’t say anything about it, it just happens in the background. but it’s very sweet.

and the CGI alien looks like this cat.

the stepbrothers
i heard a lot of bad reviews of this, but actually i loved it. it was absolutely implausible, but…who wants plausible? I love that they basically said to hell with a storyline, let’s just put Reilly and Ferrell in as many positions as possible to act completely ridiculous.

Even stuff that wasn’t very funny was still very funny. Like “Boats and hos…” in the hands of any other actors I would probably have been annoyed, but with them, I just loved it. in addition, I watched it again with the commentary – and that was almost as funny as the movie!

the aristocrats
I kinda expected to dislike this movie, but also kinda expected it to blow me away. It was kinda right in the middle. not great, but better than I expected. The joke itself is eh, but the insight into the nature of comedy was dope though – depending who was talking. George Carlin: A+. Penn Jillette: F-. Everyone else is between them. It was noticeable how there is very little representation from comics of color. Whoopi Goldberg was as good as she’s been in anything recently. Chris Rock appeared for maybe 20 seconds? Rob Schneider can be seen in the background of some scenes. I feel like that was it.

Bob Saget lives up to his representation as being awfully disgusting. Doug Stanhope actually was more appealing than I’ve ever seen him. But more than all that, I was pretty saddened by Richard Jeni’s screentime. he didn’t look happy, and knowing in retrospect how his life ended, it was kind of depressing.

righteous kill
this stars two legitimately great actors: deniro and pacino. unfortunately: fuck this movie.

be kind rewind
the last time i saw a movie that made me feel this happy to be alive, it was dave chappelle’s block party. lo and behold, this movie was inspired by the time dave and michel gondry spent making that documentary – and they wanted to make a feature that recreated that vibe! they succeeded. but dave ended up dropping out of that flick so mos took over for him. he did an admirable job too.

there were definitely things about it that were problematic to me, but still the overall earnestness and community feel of it made me glad to be a movie fan, more, just glad to recognize things in my own life in the film.

my homies Kiwi and Prometheus Brown both throw movie reviews up on their blogs from time to time. but those are intelligent brothers…me not so much, so i’m doing abbreviated reviews of all the movies i’ve seen in about the past month.

mad spoilers below.

reign over me
remarkably uneven. some parts of this flick are mad compelling, and other parts just feel so pointless. its overall message – that we should all try to be as open and communicative with the people we love all the time because you never know what’s gonna happen – is worthwhile, but executed kinda poorly. don cheadle, who is good in just about everything, is just average here. the movie really hinges on adam sandler’s performance, and when he’s channeling the isolation of his character, the movie really works. but sandler is not known for his acting chops – a reputation not at all unfounded, so when he’s less than stellar, the film stumbles over itself. a good sign though: at no point did i think he was gonna start chasing a giant invisible penguin, so sandler was able to at least separate himself from the goofy bro image he nurtured in the beginning of his career.

you don’t mess with the zohan
to my grand surprise, this is actually the better sandler movie. i saw this maybe a day or two before the most recent violence broke out in Gaza – so my opinion of it was formed then. i assumed this flick was going to be like the most offensive movie i had ever seen – but it is actually a level-headed mainstream opinion on israeli-palestinian conflict. it is in no way – NO WAY – leftist or progressive or radical – BUT, it has a far better macro-analytical view than most american elected officials. i know. i didn’t expect it either.

much of the humor is juvenile, and the cameos by mariah carey and dave matthews are gratuitous and a little stinky, but john turturro proves once again that he may be better when he’s not trying very hard. and the scenes where the israelis and palestinians sit around on a manhattan corner snapping on their wardrobes and talking shit about each others’ moms didn’t feel like movie fantasy at all. and if you were to take a step back and see sandler representing israel, turturro representing palestine, dave matthews representing the american military, and the old rich white guy as the united states…you actually get a well-reasoned plea for peace and less invasive american foreign policy. really.

talk to me
this is how i prefer to see don cheadle. all swagger and unapologetic righteousness. i know parts of it are true to life, but parts are not. boston’s own kasi lemmons slipped in things here and there to make elements of it fit better as a movie – but i ain’t mad. if i were to describe the plot to you here, it would sound very much like some movie-making cliches, and it could have easily been, but the pace of the movie and the performances from the leads – chiwetel ejiofor and cheadle -and taraji henson as the main supporting character all held something beneath the surface that lesser actors would not have had. and cedric the entertainer: that’s how you do a cameo – just stay out of the way…

tropic thunder
…unless you’re tom cruise in tropic thunder, in which case you need to be as in the way as possible, because he was one of the few bright spots in this movie. because we already know tom cruise is weird, having him in a fatsuit and bald cap dancing to ludacris is just that much more better.

but what was wack about this movie was, well, it was supposedly lampooning how seriously actors and movies take themselves considering how much more hard real life is than the movie business. but there was no effort put into making that rough real world anything like the real world. how did they start out in vietnam, but ended up among a militia all speaking mandarin chinese? why is the only person in that camp who speaks english a little boy? where did he learn english if he’s been living with this militia? why can robert downey jr’s awful awful attempt at speaking chinese trick the militia into thinking he’s actually chinese? (as someone who speaks chinese very poorly, let me tell you, downey’s chinese sounds like he just read it off google translator and there was not a single person who ever read the lines aloud to him correctly.)

as is the norm in hollywood flicks, the asian characters are just a huge mishmash of conveniences. i would say stereotypes, but it’s not really that, so much as they only exist as plot devices, not characters. there’s no attempt to make anything about any of them consistent, which means you can never forget the asian characters are written by clueless hollywood types, which means you can never completely lose yourself in the moment and just enjoy it. so thumbs down.

first sunday
ice cube can only play dudes who are down on their luck and need to accomplish some task before the end of the flick. that’s all he’s ever done in movies if you don’t count doughboy. so even knowing that by the end of the movie, this situation was going to be resolved peaceably, i still laughed mad times! tracy morgan should be getting a lot more roles – i know he’s already the host of scare tactics. katt williams took a tiny piece of his stand-up routine and turned it into a hilarious side character. and then that dude who used to host comicview was in it. but the story was awful. and the way it ended made no sense, it was like a rodney dangerfield movie.

jane austen book club
emily blount’s character – was her name purty? – is in the running for the least appealing movie character of all time. every time she appeared, i wanted the other characters to throw coffee on her bag or something to get her to leave.

while the other characters were not necessarily interesting, they at least didn’t make me feel like tearing my tv out of the wall. but there’s still not anyone really likeable in this movie. what was with that young woman and the fetish for women of color? goes from the black writer woman to the asian doctor woman (thanks for busting those stereotypes yo!) like she thinks it’s hip to be ethnic. gross.

after seeing this movie, i jumped on the internets to join the flaming fun, as i was sure i’d find all these webforums about how awful that movie was. but to my abject horror, my fellow interets-goers seemed to mostly like this movie. i didn’t realize everyone else on the internets was a middle-aged midwestern housewife. if that sounds unnecessarily mean-spirited, that’s because even having to think back to the fact that i wasted 2 hours of my life on this movie makes me angry. on to something else…

iron man
being enough of a nerd to know robert downey jr. is a great choice to play tony stark, i expected a lot. i got less than i expected, but overall it’s an enjoyable flick. i wish they woulda pressed the anti-war message a little harder, but i thought updating to reflect recent world events was a smart move. caught the ghostface cameo in the dvd extras. why would you ever cut ghostface out of anything? he’s at least as good an actor as gwenyth paltrow.

hancock
like another recent will smith action flick, i am legend, this started out really strong and ended kinda eh. the plot unfolded nicely until that amazing left turn came about charlize theron’s character. how unexpected was that? i was thrilled!

but then it was like they just wanted to get the movie over with and everything seemed to unfold in like 20 minutes. in my head, i expected hancock to turn out to be a supervillain unbeknown to himself…which i still think would have been a better ending. it was not to be. but they left it open to do a sequel, and there is a strong enough backstory to make a second movie better than the first was.

college road trip
i don’t know if getting older has made me soft that i can’t dislike any movie anymore, but i thought this wasn’t as bad as you might think a martin lawrence-raven simone buddy road trip comedy might be. overall, i actually thought it was pretty good. the only thing that really bothered me was…what the hell was the deal with the pet pig? there was never a point at which his existence moved the story along at all. couldn’t they have done away with the pig entirely? the only explanation would be that they were hoping to do some merchandising after the movie, and nobody want a martin lawrence action figure, so they figured having a pig might help them make some cash.

the perfect holiday
charlie murphy as a rapper? and why would you cast katt williams in a movie just to not give him any funny lines? pass.

meet dave
people just want to hate on eddie murphy because he isn’t making movies like coming to america and beverly hills cop anymore – oh and turns out he’s a giant prick in real life.

so it is supposedly a comedy, but i don’t think i laughed even once. but overall, i can’t say i hated it or anything, because unlike tropic thunder and a lot of american movies, it did not offend me as a human being. it was slightly offensive to me as someone who wanted to laugh during a comedy. ssssso…as we’re grading on a curve – compared to most american flicks, it’s probably like a B+.

i know who killed me
fuck this movie.

made of honor
i’m all for seeing a mainstream romantic comedy from time to time. even one with patrick mcdempsey. even though i saw and hated enchanted (mad xenophobic, but that’s a topic for another post). i am not closed-minded about so-called “chick flicks.”

but when the love interest of the main character is a self-righteous asshole, then i lose interest. i find it despicable that she berated complete strangers for selling alligator skin, but wouldn’t say anything to her friend for eating shrimp, or even her fiance for killing deer and boars? you know, to make real change, you have to start with those around you. yelling on strangers don’t do any good. especially small businesspeople just trying to make a living. learn a lesson.

pretty woman
i don’t think i have ever seen this movie before. it pretty much was everything everyone says it was. i can see why julia roberts still has all this goodwill from moviegoers even tho she hasn’t done a good flick since this. i remember being in 5th grade and seeing commercials and thinking richard gere looked so old, but actually he looks good in this movie. good for him.

creepy to see george costanza as an attempted rapist. i would say a flaw was there was no attempt to bring about restorative justice for all the bad deeds done by characters in this movie, as tho we should just let everything slide because the girl and the guy find each other in the end. i know it’s fantasy and you’re not supposed to think that hard, but still…

the other boleyn girl
generally uninteresting, except for the fact that i remembered elements of it from european history class in high school…and i kinda got a geekthrill anytime something happened i kind of remembered. but what bothered me about it was how they would use phrases that sounded like modern-day slang in what is supposed to be like the 16th century. i have no idea if they used phrases like “you heard what i said” and “go on and tell yourself that” back in the day…but don’t they feel like anachronisms?

anyway, tune in next year when i review ferris beuller’s day off, chocolat, and a bunch of other movies that are no longer in theaters. peace.

The most of what I know of Lil Wayne is he has kissed Baby on the lips and that would be fine if not for the really scary relationship they seem to have. You know, how Weezy calls Baby his Daddy, and has rhymes like “Baby is the Daddy, my Daddy is a Baby, Now I’m the Baby of my Daddy who’s a Baby” or some shit. It’s creepy because that’s not actually his f-cking father. The rest of what I know of Lil Weezy Ana is that he once dated Trina and cried when she broke up with him, and Gillie da Kid supposedly ghostwrote a lot of his better rhymes from early in his career. Oh and Wayne also is addicted to sizzurp…

So because I can’t really stand more than a lil Lil Wayne (see what I did there?), I have not listened to his new album, or really any of his albums or mixtapes. So I will review “Tha Carter 3” based on song titles alone.

3 Peat
I guess the album is called “Tha Carter 3” because it is his third album and his last name is Carter. Or perhaps he is saying he’s the third famous person named Carter after President Jimmy and Jay-Z. Regardless, I guess he’s saying this is his third album and it’s a 3-Peat for him because each album has been championship caliber. I doubt such a claim is true, but I will concede this: his huge presence on the current scene would have been completely unexpected ten years ago. I remember him from the days when Cash Money first started to blow and he was like the Shyheim of the group. And I also remember thinking like Baby and Mannie Fresh were the two ugliest dudes I had ever seen together, they looked like monsters. So what were we talking about?

Mr. Carter (Ft. Jay-Z)
So I heard Jay calls Wayne his “heir” on this song. And I read in an interview, Weezy is so stupid, he in fact didn’t realize he said “heir” but thought he said “air.” After the song was done, one of his friends was like, “uhh, you know he complimented you right?” Ladies and Gentlemen: the world’s greatest MC!

A Milli
This is the only song I have heard in full off this album. It’s pretty unremarkable, except for the trivia it inspires. I don’t know how many people have now dropped “freestyles” over this beat, including Wayne himself. Anyway, I find the Jay-Z drop, the Nico the Beast drop, the Lil Mama drop, the Fabolous drop, and even the Chris Brown drop just about as good as or better than the original, so there you have it. Actually I take that back about Chris Brown, I was exaggerating.

I don’t understand why people love this beat, because when it comes to all-time great beats to freestyle over, I feel like this isn’t really in a class with “Come Clean” or “Time’s Up” or even “Breathe” – so why is everybody recording over it?

Got Money (Ft. T-Pain)
Pain is great as a hook singer. He probably elevates this song from a solid D-minus to a C-minus. If, however, Wayne rhymes through the vocoder, then it’s down to an F.

Comfortable (Ft. Babyface)
I’m sorry, what? Babyface? There is only one genre Babyface is allowed to explore, and that would be slow jams. No hooks. Remember “Sunshine” with Jay and Foxy? What is this? It seems Face wasn’t happy to just sit back and be irrelevant, and the fact that his fine wife left him for Eddie Murphy, who had previously impregnated and bounced on Scary Spice, he probably is losing his mind.

The fact that his collabo with Weezy is right after the one with T-Pain probably is intentional. Dude like “let me show these youngstas how it’s done!” But poor Face has no idea how it’s done. Go watch your DVD collection dude, I’m perfectly content to remember the way you were when you were awesome.

Dr. Carter
This is probably a sex song. Gross.

Phone Home
Maybe this is the political one? Maybe it’s about Katrina and New Orleans and his emotions being one of music’s biggest stars and not having a chance to spend time with the people who nurtured him in the place where they still are given no choice but to suffer due to gross governmental incompetence and society’s lack of concern for the American working poor? Either that or it’s about aliens.

Tie My Hands (Ft. Robin Thicke)
Nice. Robin Thicke and Brian Scalabrine are in the running for title of “my favorite white guy.” Oh, just noticed the title. Definitely a sex song. I guess all Robin Thicke songs are sex songs. I remember when he dropped his first album and he was just going by Thicke, and Remy Shand came out around the same time. Remy got mad love, he was being called “the white Maxwell” and even “the white Prince (!!!!!!)” – and turns out he was “the white neo-soul singer with extremely limited songwriting ability” and Thicke, or Robin Thicke, has turned out to be the one with staying power. Did yall know he’s Alan Thicke’s son?

Mrs. Officer (Ft. Bobby Valentino & Kidd Kidd [uncredited])
I’m pretty sure this is also a sex song. You don’t have Bobby Valentino on a song about police brutality.

Let the Beat Build
I heard this beat sans vocals. It’s a Kanye beat, and like most of his stuff, it starts out promising. Then it gets boring and repetitive. There isn’t enough empty space on it I think, and that makes me think hearing Wayne’s guttural squeaky squeaky on it is gonna make it sound way too busy. Thumbs down.

Shoot Me Down (Ft. D. Smith)
Could this be the song about police brutality? I’m gonna guess it’s about how he’s the best rapper alive and if someone is gonna take that number 1 spot, they’ll have to shoot him down. This is my favorite song on this album.

Lollipop (Ft. Static Major)
Oh I forgot, I actually have heard this one too. Whatever. Not impressed. Not upset either. Middle of the road.

La La (Ft. Brisco & Busta Rhymes)
Heard this beat also without vocals. It’s produced by David Banner, who I didn’t realize produced. Anyway it’s crazy weird, and from what I hear Wayne is weird, so that might be a perfect match. I’m gonna go out on a limb and call this the quintessential Lil Wayne song on the album. You heard it here first.

Playing With Fire (Ft. Betty Wright)
Betty Wright? THE Betty Wright? OK. Yeah given my previous statement about liking Wayne only when he’s got others on the track with him, I gotta say this song is awesome. Because the other person on the song is Betty Wright. Now if this turns out to be someone other than THE Betty Wright, then this song is the worst song ever recorded simply because of the tease.

You Ain’t Got Nuthin’ (Ft. Fabolous & Juelz Santana)
So why does Wayne only team up with New York rappers? Thinks he’s too good for the South? This is no doubt the typical obligatory posse cut, but I have to assume there’s not much fire in this song. Fab can be nice when he’s got the right music to flow over, but if not his flow is kinda boring. And there’s really nothing I like about Juelz Santana, except how he pronounces his first name. I think back to classics that featured three MCs like “Burn Hollywood Burn,” “Crooklyn,” “Body Rock,” “Respiration,” or even “Down for the Count” and I am guessing this does not measure up. Fail.

DontGetIt
So I assume this is a song about how Wayne doesn’t “get” grammar and punctuation. You know what he does “get” though? High off cough syrup.

Verdict: Better than Rick Ross’s next joint, but worse than “Tha Carter 2.” Does that album exist? Well, whether it does or not, I’m gonna say this was worse.

Rating: 2 out of 5